How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize