When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
