i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
