If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
