He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
