Sorry, I don't speak sober.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
