i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
