Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize