Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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