he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
