how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
