Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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