A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
