no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
