I wish I only lived at night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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