either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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