I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
