he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
