I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize