she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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