Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
