he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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