Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
