I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize