what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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