how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
