Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
