I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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