I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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