I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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