just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
