Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
