get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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