I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
