Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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