Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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