Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
