so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
