I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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