I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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