Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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