I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
