The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
