I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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