wrigley field is MILF paradise
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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