Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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