You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
