I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
