My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just high enough for therapy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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