I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
