Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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