She said her name was "party"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize