hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
