and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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