i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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