She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
