I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
