Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize