toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This is my gift to your gina
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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