There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
