I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
