it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
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