just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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