I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
God I need to hump something, right now.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
