Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
